A magic that I once knew

My girl Dini died of a tumor today. She was the best rat I ever had. She was so different from what I expected to know about them. She would sleep in the open and cuddle with you if she felt like it. I thought she was retarded, but in a good way. She even chewed off a whole hangnail for me. She is amazing. I came into the room today to check up on her and she laid there not breathing. Getting colder. Stiffer. The bottom of her paws were blue. And I think back to her climbing, being in pain, running, acting like a boss and the feelings swell up inside of me. She was sooo strange. I would see she her passed out on the arm of the couch while the others hide. She would be so close to me. When she got her tumor the others started to avoid her. Yet she kept trying to live a normal life. She kept climbing the side of the cages even when it was tiring. She would climb and then couldn't come down. She kept climbing till she couldn't. She kept pulling her body around and stopped eating solid food. She was so stressed out and her body declined. I was so scared so I made her puree and she ate, and ate, and ate. She grew again and I cleaned the red out of her eyes. I washed the urine from her body, and dried her. I wanted to make her feel comfortable. Picking her up and moving her out of her soiled areas. I regret that I didn't get her the surgery. I bought a tv and Xbox one but I didn't get her what she needed. I regret that I cared more about myself than her. And she didn't ask for much. Just love and attention. I thought I wouldn't lose her so soon, but I was wrong. I even heard her final yelp before she expired and I didn't come to see her. I was the worse. So selfish and greedy. Uncaring. Se even bled twice and yet still was able to move and survive. She was a loner and she died alone. Seeing her body there smaller than before. Looking for the breathes that showed me that she was alive. Hoping that I wasn't too late. Picking up her body wasn't horrible or strange. I knew she was dead but it didn't matter. She was my girl. "The good ones die sooner" I thought. With all the things I wasted money on I could have used it on her. That makes me wonder if I really cared about her as much as I did. A chance to save her is now gone forever. I even held her as her breathing was getting worse, and didn't think into it. I missed the signs and will never have a chance to hold her while she went. To let her know I was there. She wasn't alone. I know I'm going to miss my sweet loving Dini. I was the lucky one to have met her.

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